Apartment Filled with Turtles
I got to my apartment just as my roommate did. She had hair that screamed, I just had sex. I wonder what I should name my first turtle.
I applied to school just to be touched by someone. Anyone. That was two years ago and I still haven’t made a connection with a single entity in this entire college. Am I too bulky? Would someone not want to touch someone with such big ears?
Last year, I cut my hair just to prove to the world that I was in fact a lesbian, but nobody seemed to care in the slightest; no eyes met in mine. No one professed their undying love for me or my choppy locks. I never imagined that it would take so long for me to finger a woman. I always thought I had the best hands for it. they were never very dry or crusty. I put lotion on every once in a while. I am twenty-one — time doesn’t care about me or anyone for that matter. I started to sweat and roll around on the floor of my dorm room. My roommate consistently went over to her boyfriend’s apartment cause it was far far away from here; off-campus. I bet they were having the best sex of their entire lives while I’m just here, tossing and turning on this itchy carpet. If I had a person over they would definitely try and step on me; kill me; put me out of my misery.
I strolled into the dining hall to save one piece of myself from total isolation. I never wanted to come here unless there were a lot of people inside. That way someone could see me picking up a blue tray and say something like…
“Hey, where can I get a blue tray like that?” And then I would point and say,
“They’re right there… and do you have a sister?” I’m guessing a man would ask me, so then that way I would be able to ask for their sister’s number. I went into the dining hall regardless because the only thing that’s been in my stomach for a few weeks had been saltine crackers that my dad sends me on the off chance that I was to get the flu or mono. I picked up a blue tray — nothing. I got green beans alone. A turkey sandwich alone. A chocolate pudding, completely alone. I sat down at a table, not solo this time. There was this person at the far end of the table. So far actually that I could only make out that their body was shaped like an almond.
I glanced over once, twice, then a third time. I didn’t shift because I wanted to wait for them to make the first move, at that point we might possibly walk out at the same exact time, but it was already four in the afternoon and I had gotten here at noon. Has it really been five hours? Finally, at four-thirty, they started to pack their things up one at a time, extremely slowly. As if they were waiting for me to go up to them and ask them out or to kiss them in this cafeteria of only three other people. I sauntered toward the trash can and started to throw things away, unhurriedly, one at a time.
As they started to make their way to the door, I also began to make my way toward the door. Maybe the time has finally come. Maybe they’ll stop at the door, turn around and start to kiss me all over my hideous face. It’ll be different this year. I will be a new woman. When they got to the door, they started to run. To sprint down the hallway that I couldn’t even have asked for their name. Perhaps they are late for something or I scared them off? I was done after that. I have come to the conclusion that I will always be single. I’m just going to fill my apartment with turtles and have them walk, lazily all over my bones while I lie on the floor with nothing, but a single thought of what my life has become.
I got to my apartment just as my roommate did. She had hair that screamed, I just had sex. I wonder what I should name my first turtle. “I’m spending the night at Yousef’s tonight. I won’t be back until the morning.” I stared at the large rat’s nest that was growing bigger with every shirt that she put into her bag.
“Okay.”
“You’re free to roam around tonight. If you want.”
“I won’t”
“Whatever. Bye.” She slammed the door on her way out. Believe it or not, that was the most we’ve ever spoken since we moved in together. Every conversation ended with a door slam by her. I stared at the blank wall, it was my wall. I should put something up there, I guess. I was waiting until I had friends or was in a relationship so that I would have an excuse to put pictures on it, but it hasn’t happened. I’ll probably put a single picture of a turtle on it to remind myself of where my future is heading. When I move out of here and into the “big world” which is what older people call their world to make them feel better about not being in school anymore. How would one know that they are in the big world? Is there a test I can take?
There was a knock at the door, then a note slid inside. It said to meet someone at nine o’clock, the location not specified. This couldn’t be for me. Were my roommate and Yousef pulling a prank on me? I turned it over and it had my name written in a red glitter pen. I waited until 9:05 pm to make my way to the library cause that’s where everyone was on a Monday night. I pretended to study books on the shelve so that I looked like I belonged there — that I had a purpose. I sat down and turned to a random page in a random book. I glanced around and saw an almond-shaped body out of the corner of my eye. Was this their note? Was this true love? A story that we would tell for generations to come? I made my way to their table and sat right in front of them, clearing my throat. I slid the note toward them.
“What is this?” they whispered.
“Oh, like you don’t know.” I tried to flirt a little.
“No, I really don’t” They got up from the table, freaked out.
“You don’t have a red glitter pen?”
“I hate glitter.”
I threw away the note as well as all my hopes, dreams, and future on my way out of the library. I ran down the hallway and back to my dorm, I just needed to sleep this day off. I locked the door behind me as if Freddie Kruger was chasing after me. A silhouette was sitting on my bed. I turned on the light and there sat my roommate.
“Turn off the lights! NOW!” I turned them off.
“Aren’t you staying at Yousef’s?” I grouped around trying to make my way to the bed or even a chair.
“I was, but…” her voice began to shake. “I couldn’t stop thinking about how I left you here and — “
“I’m fine, I was just about to go to sleep. If you want to spend time with your boyfriend, I totally understand that.”
“What? Yousef isn’t my boyfriend, he’s my brother.” She told me that she spends nights with him because he has been depressed.
“Did you get my note?” She said.
“It’s you? Did you do this as a prank?” I really can’t handle any more rejection today.
“It would only be a prank if I didn’t think that you were the most attractive person in this room.” I started to blush, I was glad it was dark in here. My silhouette moved next to hers on the bed. The outline of her hands fell on top of mine, meshing as one.
Thank you for reading… If you would like to support this mess, buy me a cup of coffee.
